On Being Worth It...

It took me a really long time to accept that I could be attractive to the opposite sex. I was single with very little self-esteem for a very long time. Somehow, last year I worked up the courage to put myself out there. After over ten years of being alone, I finally had a little more confidence and it felt great.

I found someone who I thought was just right for me - and at first he was.  Things were great. I was giddy again, something I hadn't felt in a very long time. Although things were  fantastic at first, I (very) slowly started to realize things that just weren't - well, fair.

I felt like I was being used.  I was called whenever the time was right for him and when I needed support he was nowhere to be found.  I went out of my way to make sure his life was easier because I felt like as a girlfriend - one who still didn't feel that confident - it was my duty. I felt that if I didn't prove that I was there for him he would leave me for somebody else - even though he never once proved that he could be there for me. It was always what I could do for him. 

At the time, my biggest fear was being alone again.  I am almost 35 years old.  I wasted over ten years of my life grieving, feeling insignificant and lonely. I didn't want to go back to that lifestyle, so I tried - really hard - to make myself happy in this relationship. I put up with stuff that nobody ever should have to.  Even though I realized it at the time, I still felt that this was the best I could do.

Even with the major red flags that came only a week or two into our relationship, I stuck with it because I felt like nobody else would want to be with me.  I felt lucky to have someone who kept me around and could deal with the fact that I was a mom and a little anxiously awkward at times.  

It took some therapy sessions and some great friends, but I realized that being alone wasn't a terrible thing.  I can work on being happy (if not even happier) all by myself and I don't need to have the title of a significant other to make me feel worthy.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, I finally realized that I'm worth it. I don't deserve to be treated the way I was treated.  I deserve to have someone care about me as much as I care about them. I deserve to not question every social media decision they make (due to the prior red flags in the relationship).  I deserve to trust someone. 

Although they never met, my son deserves to have a role model in his life who treats his mother properly - I think that was a huge eye opener for me. If I were to accept all these faults and just try to be happy with what was being offered to me, I would show my son that it's okay to treat a significant other like they were nothing. I'm worth way more than that - and I want to thank everyone that helped me to realize that (and I apologize that it took months for me to realize this).

The "big dumping" was hard to do, but felt so great afterwards. It's probably not right to feel happiness after a break-up, but I really feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I don't have to pretend to be someone who I really wasn't anymore.  I don't have to feel insecure - and I don't have to check Tinder every week to see if he signed up again.

It may seem that I should worry that he finds this post - somehow - but in a way I kind of hope he does.  I tried to break up with him two times before the "big dumping" and he managed to talk me in to staying.  I was afraid if I said more than I did I would have a hard time arguing my points without him convincing me to stay. I had a script, I stuck to it and it worked. So if you're reading this, here's your explanation. Start being nicer to girls. The end.