Leavin'...

My whole life I feel like I've been trying to get away from something - yet I always find myself running back to what is familiar.

Which is why I never burn bridges. I hold all relationships dearly in my heart and I think about them often.

This is probably why he is so hard to get over.

Our relationship was short in terms of an eternity, but intense.  We experienced at least ten years of togetherness in three years.  Life. Death. Discussions. Love. Arguments. Regret - and some of those things people don't get to experience in a relationship. It was all pretty wild.

Sometimes I think that if he were right in front of me now, I would break out into my nervous laugh and say what the hell was that?? 

So it was strange when I felt like running away from my problems and the first thing I stumbled upon was an ad placed by an old landlord on the local classified site.  This was a person who gave us a chance - a young couple with a baby on the way - and rented us his home.  I mean we were absolutely hopeless.  No money.  Disability cheques once a month. We certainly didn't look good on paper.  I'd like to think he saw my eyes light up when I knew that home was where we would be bringing our baby home.

 He must have known. 

So I replied to the advertisement.  It took me two days to figure out how to reply without seeming like a complete fool.  I left my comfort zone and made an appointment to see this house.

Seeing him brought me a strange sense of relief.  

I get feelings like that sometimes. I can't explain it.  It's a feeling of reassurance.  A slight push from someone invisibly cheering us on.  I felt strangely comfortable around someone I hadn't seen in nine and a half years - essentially a stranger. 

As I looked up at the high ceilings in a potential new home, fretting over changing the light bulbs on fixtures that high up, the stranger came up behind me and mentioned how the ceilings were much higher than those at our old home - and for some reason that made it okay.  I am a lot wiser now.  I can certainly figure out how to change those bulbs on my own.

Even though I look a whole lot better on paper now, I am still having a hard time with this decision.  I am also having a hard time believing that I am here.  Doing this.   Something has to change though. Betrayal is not an easy thing to get over.

Change.  It's a scary but necessary thing sometimes.