Optimus Prime Is My Hero.

After being forced to eat a very interesting breakfast this morning, I started to think about my childhood. So funny how certain things will trigger some sort of memory. In this case, the memory just happened to be triggered by a Transformers Eggo Waffle.

It brought me all the way back to my childhood. When I was a wee one, I was never into girly things. I never let anybody put a pony tail in my hair nor did I ever wear jeans (until that time when my cousin pulled down my sweat pants and yelled saggers...I started wearing jeans shortly after that). I trained frogs to jump through hoops in my circus kiddy pool, I regularly snuck out of bed and hid behind a big brown chair in the living room to watch Benny Hill and I knew the movie Stand By Me off by heart. I totally preferred my Skeletor's Snake Mountain playset to my She-Ra Crystal Castle. Skeletor's castle had a freakin snakehead megaphone that you talked into. Even back then I knew that was bad-ass and cool. She-Ra's castle had a freakin elevator...HELLO? Really? An elevator?? It didn't even have walls so She-Ra would dive bomb over the side.

...but my most favourite tom boy activity was playing Transformers. I didn't actually have any Transformers toys because most of my toys came from garage sales and the neighbour's garbage. Even though they were used and sometimes broken, I loved each and every toy I had, but when things were cool, like Transformers, there was absolutely no chance of me getting a toy like that, unless I got one for my birthday, but I am a girl and nobody would get me a Transformer toy so I did the next best thing. No, I didn't build my own, I pretended I was Optimus Prime.

I think for the most part, being Optimus Prime really helped me get through some pretty awkward situations, like the time I dropped the entire box of glass china men that my mom bought for my grandma. Each one of their little straw hats broke off. My mom was absolutely livid. While she was yelling her face off at me, I am pretty sure I was thinking "Bitch, I am totally blasting you with my Blaze Blaster Cannon right now and then me and my Autobots are gonna run you and your little glass china men over when we turn back into big ass trucks" You know, because I was Optimus Prime insane.

He didn't however help me overcome my fear of the school bus bully who would eat my Wagon Wheels every day...she was like Megatron times 1000...much too big of a battle over a meaningless snack food.

I remember laying in bed next to my grandma acting out my Megatron battles (because Autobots were tough, yes, but still needed their granny to protect them from the scary Disney velvet paintings that were hung over their beds *ahem*). These battles almost always ended up with granny getting a few swift kicks from my Gyro Strike Leg Wheels.

Eventually as I grew older (and when I grew boobs) I stopped being Optimus Prime. Optimus Prime could never have boobs because he had a big windshield chest. Growing boobs totally ruined my life.

Now Transformers is a pretty cool thing again for kids. Mason went through a bit of a Transformer phase, but he never really got into the whole Optimus Prime thing...which is good because I really can't take the time off work to take him to therapy right now.

Unlike me, I have blessed my child with Transformer toys....but what the crap? These toys are the cheapest crappiest toys ever!! My house is like a Transformer graveyard. I'm finding pieces of Autobots all over the place. Just when I thought they were completely destroyed, I go to the washroom at 3am and end up with Optimus Prime's Blaster shoved deep in my foot. They also make me feel stupid. I can sort of turn them into semi-robot figures but do you think I could ever turn them back into a car? Nope! I'm much too girly for Transformers now, which is sad because I'm really thinking this Optimus Prime thing over again.