Six years...

R.,

Six years to the day since I have seen your face, felt your skin.  Six years and two days since I have heard your voice. That day will forever be in my mind.  I remember coming around the corner and seeing that car in the driveway and just knowing that it was the day.

I remember the people who loved us.  I remember not offering them anything to eat or drink in our home - I don't think anybody ate or drank all day. We just sat. Cried.  Apologized.

You were my crutch.  I know it may not be the right thing to say, but without you I have done so much that I never would have done.  I felt safe with you and I was happy to just be with you.  Bettering myself wasn't on my mind.  Traveling, learning to drive, working out of the home - all things I never had even thought twice about.  I was that happy to be with you.

A day doesn't go by that I don't think about you. Sometimes I even feel like you are still here with us.  It has been so long now that I can't even imagine how our life would be if you were still here.  I never really got to know your parenting style, I never really learned your wishes for our son and decisions you would have made.  Most of the things I regret now involve communication.  Rather than hoping you would live, I should have prepared more for if you died.  I'm a Taurus, stubborn as ever, and I honestly believed you were going to beat cancer.

Even up until the day before you died, even with hospice involved and all that awful medical equipment, I still believed you were going to be here today.

Our son is growing up so quickly.  The funny thing is, he is finally starting to look like you, which is a really good thing because I was having a hard time picturing my "identical twin" as a teenage boy.  This year has been the hardest so far of raising our son.  He is so smart and he is really starting to notice that he has a dad who can not be with us.

This picture of M. really reminded me of you.

A few weeks ago he had a breakdown when I mentioned your name.  He was crying and said "don't even say that name because it makes me cry".  I never thought he would miss you so much after only knowing you for the first 15 months of his life.   It's amazing the things he does remember from such a young age. He will be okay.  We are beginning counseling again next weekend to help him understand more about death.  The last cycle we did was when he was four years old - a little too young to understand still.

I can't say that these past six years have been easy.  I miss you.  I miss you more than anybody could ever know.   These past six years have included some of the most trying times in my life.  I have become someone I never imagined I would be.  However, I never regret the moment I met you - it's the six years of saying goodbye that have made me the person I am today.

Our lives will go on.  We will both grow older - without you, but you will forever be in our hearts.

-n.