R.,

It has now been seven years. Someone asked me how long you had been gone for the other day and I very confidently answered eight years.  When I thought about it some more, I realized it has only just been seven as of this very moment.  Somehow I lost a year of grieving somewhere I guess. 

I was thinking about writing this letter a few days ago.  These are getting harder and harder for me to write.  Memories of you are becoming distant and each year so as I write these letters I feel like I am just saying the same things over and over.  Still miss you.  M. has grown so much this year... It's almost like a telephone call to an old friend now - as sad as that seems.

The truth is, I feel like since you've been gone, I have completely glamorized our life together.  We were like the "Brangelina" of the Cancer Clinic.  You with your young, sickly swagger and me the young girlfriend who looked at you like you were Zeus god of all gods. How much your friends loved you. The love you had for, well, everything. The way you used to pay our bills every month..$70 to this company and $80 to this company just to tide them over until the next overdue bill.  I find myself in similar situations lately, yet when you were here with me, it was so much easier to face. Just knowing I could look over my shoulder and you were there to back me up meant the world to me.

I wish I could still see you there.  Cheering us on.

Our little boy is not very little anymore.  I know if you were still alive, this would be the point where I begged you to have another child because I can't stand to watch our only child grow up into an independent little being. He asks about you all the time. He cries about you all the time....and he won't cut his hair because he wants to look like a Power Ranger.  Oh, and get this, he bought himself a Rolling Stones poster to put on his bedroom wall!  Our eight year old is turning out to be the quirkiest kid I know, reminds me so much of us! 

Miss you forever. 

-n.