Grief is a funny thing.
Unfortunately it's not a haha funny.
EVILBOY and I go back and forth with our grieving.
Just as one of us is starting to smile, something triggers the other and it begins all over again.

EVILBOY is just shy of nine years old.
We lost his father when he was only 15 months old.
He never got the chance to know his father.
He missed out on so many things that R. wanted to do with him

Last night was a bad night.
The tears.
They are messy and hastily slighted by their owner.
He tries to be strong.

"I wish my dad was here" was all he managed to get out between gasps.
And I just knew that the night would be long and would entail his size 4.5 feet, sharing my double bed and kicking me in the back.
...and that it did.

He's had it rough these past few weeks.
At a time when he should be celebrating his absolute favourite holiday with the family we rarely get to see.
He spent most of the time in our dim apartment taking care of his ill mother.
That makes me feel like shit.
It is absolutely not fair.

Last night we made elaborate plans that included DVD shopping and the best hot chocolate in the whole wide world. We also made plans to visit the cemetery.

In my mind it would have been so easy to find his flat stone under what seemed like a foot of snow. I pictured us closing our eyes and automatically drawn to his location. Although sometimes life has a funny way of kicking you in the crotch and reminding you that life is definitely not a fairy tale.

I was angry.
I was so incredibly angry at R. for not giving us a sign (even in the afterlife the guy gets nagged).
I was angry at myself for not knowing.
I was angry at EVILBOY because I knew he was in the wrong area.
I was angry at the snow and the cemetery caretaker and the windchill and the loud traffic...
It was very overwhelming.

I don't know how to help him.
I don't know how to help myself.
We've done the support group - twice.
and as stupid as this sounds - I never expected it to be this hard.

Being a parent shouldn't be this hard.
It's just not fair.