Four Years...

Dear R.

It has been four years now, and I'm still as unhappy as ever. I mean that in the best possible way though, really. I think it's become my personality. It's like, oh look there goes that 27-year-old girl who lost the love of her life four years ago...she's crabby - but it suits her. You know, that sort of thing, so really I'm doing okay. I know you worried about that, and I know you knew how much of a bitch I can be...so I'm doing good...bitchy still...but good - people still love me...sometimes.

This past year has been interesting. Remember how I said I would never ever get my driver's licence because I wanted you to be the driver of the family - well I did it. I'm still shocked myself. I got us a little car that has cost me all of my fortunes (err...not so much fortunes) and is still costing me as I type this I'm sure. Do you remember that time you bought us a car. You were worried that with having a baby we would have no way to get the baby around in the winter. So you took all of our savings and bought a $700 Ford Mustang (yeah our savings weren't very big back then, eh?). Not very baby friendly, but it was ours.

Then it sat...and sat...and sat until one day we were running super-late for an ultrasound appointment at the hospital. You convinced me we could take the car and it would be okay. So we did - we took that car out, neither one of us with a permit, no insurance and no plates. We were young and stupid (well I was young - I don't know what your excuse was - KIDDING!!). You know what, it was okay in the end. Of course I wanted to KILL you until it all turned out okay, but that is the way it always went...we were livin on the edge I guess. We never ever took the car out again. As a matter of fact, I don't even know what happened to that car, did we sell it before you died? I can't even remember. It could have been stolen for all I know. I have a terrible memory - and you still loved me...crazy! So I am pleased to say that I am fully licenced and insured and all that jazz and I do not do donuts in the driveway for "fun". Not nearly as cool (or stupid!) as you were, but I get by with my semi-coolness.

I guess after four years you would think I would be ready to date again. I know you told me it would be okay to date, but that's just what people say when they're dying. If I died and you dated someone else I would hate her. Let's face it - I will be 28 years old in less than a month and here I am alone. I can't even talk to men without blushing or insulting them unless I'm drinking alcohol. I've grown up a lot since we met though. I am a changed person - I'm sure I was pretty awesome back then to have someone like you fall in love with me and sadly I just can't picture that ever happening again with anybody else.

I'm pretty sure that somebody isn't going to be brought into my bedroom late at night when I was in the midst of enjoying my Nyquil-induced coma to introduce us. Remember that? I spent weeks after that shooing you away. Begging you to leave me alone. I had the hots for that emo guy at the call center where I worked. I'm pretty sure he didn't give a crap about me because looking back now, I'm pretty sure he was gay. Remember how you asked me every time you saw me to go out for dinner, and we saw each other every single day. It got old very quickly.

You were sick when I met you (again - we did meet years before when my friend and I gave you and your brother that fake number and said our names were Jasmine and ? ) but you were never sick, in fact you were so healthy and active you would never imagine you as being a sick person - ever. One day you came home from work with your Picc Line infected. I was visiting with your sister and you came in and showed everybody and we all urged you to go to the ER immediately. You wouldn't go (so stubborn) unless I went with you and if I promised to go out with you for Chinese food afterwards. So I went - and we sat on that gurney for hours and hours just talking about stupid things. In fact, by the time we left the ER (without even being seen) it was 3am. You said **** this, grabbed up some supplies from the cupboard and we walked outta there together. We did get Chinese food at that time and I don't know what kind of restaurant would be open at that hour so I'm sure it wasn't good - but I enjoyed that time with you, but you were older than me, you were sick, and we were totally opposite people, I was afraid of failing as I had at other things many times before that. We were closer friends after that, but our relationship was just friends, nothing more.

Then you went away for a week with your brother and nephew and that is when I realized I couldn't live without you. I missed you SO much it was crazy...so much that I actually went out and got a part-time job so the only thing I did that whole week was literally work at one job and go right to the next until 11pm. It made the week a lot easier to deal with.

You came back a different person though, the roles had changed and it was me chasing you. You had given up on me and wanted to go out with somebody else. I knew how Ifelt, but I could never express how I felt - still working on that actually. Eventually things worked out though and after forcing you to take me to a bar with you and your brother - a strip bar at that - I got super drunk and told you how I felt and that was it.

I never told you this, but I fell completely in love with you way before I started to actually say it. Someone came over to our house and stole my Dirty Dancing dvd (among others, but Dirty Dancing was high up on the faves). We didn't live together at the time, but I called you bawling my eyes out over my Dirty Dancing DVD. You told me you were going over to this guy's house and you were going to get them back. I knew you were going to pound the guy and I was scared. I got there just in time to see you storming into the house and roughing the burglar up until he gave me back my movie which he had hidden under his stinky old mattress. I know it's kind of a strange thing to make me fall in love, but nobody ever did anything like that for me before and you didn't even hesitate.

Of course I still laugh to myself thinking how this shady character would give you things everytime he saw you because he was afraid of getting beat up again over a Dirty Dancing DVD. I really hope that guy thinks twice about stealing a Patrick Swayze movie in the future.

Let's not beat around the bush here either...I'm a BITCH. I can't even help it sometimes, but I really did treat you like crap sometimes. Like our first Christmas together when you told me what you were getting me before you actually bought it. You told me you were going to buy me a new TV, and I am sure that is where I made "the face" and I told you that was a stupid idea and how selfish of you to want to buy me a TV because you would be watching it too.

I stand my ground though, I still wouldn't want a new TV for Christmas! Of course I won the argument, because that is just the way you were, you always let me win because you wanted me to be happy. I told you I wanted a Playstation 2 instead, and you got it for me that year.

Sitting home on New Years Eve that year, trying to beat Grand Theft Auto III with no memory card on my cruddy 13 inch TV that had a terrible picture and you had to slap to get started (maybe you were right about needing a new TV). We were taking turns playing, just you and I, and that is when I realized it didn't matter what you got for me that year, I was just happy being there with you trying to beat the most ridiculously hard game in the world with no cheats or memory card.

So tell me, how am I ever going to find that again? What if they don't like chinese food or strip bars? Life just seems so much harder now, it was all great back then. I don't regret anything, well except for you dying -that sort of sucked...a lot - but I couldn't imagine our relationship beign any other way than how it was. Everything about it worked out somehow and when you said it was going to be okay it always was - now I don't have that person to tell me it's going to be okay and that is what I want more than anything. Imagine putting that on a dating profile? It just screams "run away while you can".

I also just can't imagine what would happen after I die (hopefully as an old lady). Say I met someone again and then I died and I went to heaven (or whatever) and you were there with my dog Eddy and my hamster PJ who blew up in the furnace that time when I was a kid. So you are there and I am there but then there is my new husband there too after he dies (because next time I am definitely gonna be the first to die - this widow stuff sucks!). So there's the two of you (and my dog and hamster) and I have to choose who to be with forever and ever? This isn't Big Love, so I think I would have to choose someone, who would I pick? I never want to have to make a decision like that - and I know that totally sounds crazy - RUN!!

Now that I've gone on and on about us - I figure you might be wondering about our son. Our son is beautiful. He's amazing and strangely without you being here he is totally like you (stubbornness and all!) and he likes fishing and naked chicks. You guys would be the best of friends, I swear. I also must apologize that he knows the song Step by Step by New Kids on the Block off by heart - that is my fault. I know you probably wouldn't like that too much, but he loves that song...and I'm sort of a fan too.

He's grown up so much. I hate so much that you can't be here for this adventure - seriously you would have loved this. It's not fair, it really really isn't because sometimes I think you totally would have been the better parent. Even when he was a baby, you knew what to do. Like that time I freaked out a few weeks after having him, I even scared myself. You calmly tried to get me to tell you what was wrong, and I said the most assholey thing I have ever said to anyone - I told you I felt guilty for having a baby with someone who was sick and could eventually die. You didn't hate me for what I said, at least you didn't make it seem that way, but I'm sure that one stung a bit. You calmly took him from me and called your mom to take him for the night, and things got better again. I blame the hormones, or my big mouth, either way I was a jerk. I know I said I was sorry when you were in the process of dying, and I'm never really sure if you actually heard me in your unconsciousness, but I really am sorry.

To be honest, this day has gotten easier. The first anniversary involved crying and anger, the other years not so much. This year the date sort of crept up on me. Someone at work mentioned something about anniversaries and then I realized this day was coming up. I'm not going to put your notice in the paper this year because I just know that you probably think I'm dumb for spending the $70 to write some stupid little thing like I miss you...and I know you're probably still pissed that I spent that $500 on flowers at your funeral (actually my aunt did because she is my hero).

So yes, things have changed so much without you and though I still miss you a lot, it has gotten a lot easier to deal with but mostly because of this little guy...